Monday, March 2, 2009

Episode 6 South Invercargill


Episode 6 South Invercargill

Welcome to the sixth episode of Jay Wont dart's podcast. This episode is about where I live, South Invercargill. I'll start off with a rap song to set the tone. I hate New Zealand hip hop, heres some real stuff right here, songs called The 3rd World by Immortal Technique, hes an independent rapper over in America, half black half peruvian. I heard this song on Adam Curry's Daily Source Code podcast, sounded so awesome I went and paid a dollar 79 cents to buy it on iTunes, even though I had a high quality copy already! You've got to support the artists people! I got permission to use the song here, if you like it, its less than two dollars to buy from iTunes.

<3rd world song plays>

Thats a way better song than anything Savage or those other cock knockers have put out, and they get to number 1 here. That song should have been on Grand Theft Auto 4, the music was shit in that game, I dont know how it could have been that bad. Green Lantern hosted a radio station on that, hes a famous rap producer, works with 50 cent and Eminem and all that, he mixed that Immortal Technique song I started with.

I love this part of the song,

On No Agenda Adam Curry mentioned Gardasil, a HPV immunisation drug, to help prevent cervical cancer. Its here in New Zealand, up till about 18 girls get the three injections of Gardasil for free.

Well, the injections cost a few hundred dollars apparently, damn expensive for the government to pick up the tab, just like that breast cancer, herceptin bullshit, dont get me started, these drugs have caused all kinds of sickness, and apparently even death. In Holland people wont touch it. So according to Adam Curry, not only do girls in Holland get it free, apparently they get a FREE iPod too, to encourage them to get the injections, they get a free iPod!!!!!! Wikipedia says that three injections of Gardasil cost 700 new zealand dollars in America. So, lets assume its 700 dollars here too, thats bullshit. Lets say the iPod is worth 300 bucks, then Dutch girls get a thousand bucks free. I havnt actually found any site saying about the dutch getting iPods too, my only source on that one was from the Daily Source Code podcast.

Charity medicine my ass, guys never get anything! On one of the many NZ sites "one for the girls, theres an answered question "can boys get vaccinated?

* This free immunisation programme is not available to boys. This may be reconsidered later (cough bullshit)
* Boys wishing to get vaccinated can do so through their doctor or practice nurse at a cost." Yeah, so a guy can get these injections of weird stuff IF he pays 700 bucks.....and a girl gets paid 700 bucks, on the taxpayer.... Remind me again why feminists complain ? Canada spent almost $470 million NZD on Gardasil in 2008, our government must be spending at least 10 million on it lets imagine, maybe a hundred million. Remember when Labour didnt want to spend 100 million on my fighter jets? Those were something everyone would enjoy, girls AND boys could have watched me doing stunts over rugby games.

Maybe thats another episode.

I've totally gone off topic.

So, this episode is about the hardest hood of them all, South Invercargill!

I've got a few sound clips to play, read by the computer again, poll results and comments people have left on the page. Then I have the first part of a South Invercargill rap, and a comment Tim Shadbolt, Invercargill Mayor said about being scared walking the streets of "central Invercargill", I think he means South Invercargill.

I'll let you into a secret, the purpose of this podcast episode is to drum up some support for my idea to get the moderator, myself, a Lamborghini. You know, for promotional purposes, put us on the map,It'll show people on the benefit you can get ahead in life, something like that. Only $400,000 left to raise, maybe another 800 on top of that for a personalised plate saying "S I N G LL" which could be read South Invercargill or as in Single, a fitting plate for a pimp. So dig deep! The person who gives the most gets to keep the leather interior, I dont want that, Super Cheap has some good seatcovers that didnt kill an animal, I'll buy those as my contribution towards my Lamborghini.

Later on, theres a North vs South section, designed to help people work out what part of town they're in.

Something I'm really impressed by, a fight on Esk street with the Mongrel Mob got recorded and played on an American tv show about crime, you know those Police video shows? I think the video was taken down from Youtube, but I saved a copy for myself and will play the audio from it.

I'll start off with some differences between North and South Invercargill. North Invercargill is home to two kinds of people, millionaires and billionaires. Most people in South Invercargill are a paycheck away from being homeless.

Featured North Invercargill suburbs.

Windsor is more english than England, lots of old ladies with little dogs, Suzukis and Dhiahatsu's that scuttle about on errands. These Great Grandmas complain that the nothing is done to make their lives easier. It must be so freaking hard to get up before the birds, go into town, spend an hour in Windsor New World to get 10 items, and hop into bed before 3PM.

Grasmere hasnt changed in decades, still a perfect place to raise little know it all children. Kids in grasmere can actually feel safe walking to school alone.

Rosedale, everyones a billionaire, at christmas time all the neighbours compete to see who can spend the most on christmas decorations, robotic singing and dancing santas are now the norm. The streets of Rosedale are cleaned 10 times a day by street sweepers, and theres often ice cream vans. Rosedale has quite a few mansions being built for rich people, indeed the Beverly Hills of Invercargill, just without a Playboy Mansion (as far as I know).

Glengarry. Perhaps one part of the North that belongs further south, Glengarry is nothing but a cancer thats grabbed ahold of vital organs and seems to be both terminal and inoperable. If there is a God, even He couldnt clean up Glengarry's act. Council house's, Crack House's, P house's, Gang Houses...... To put it in context, Glengarry is almost HALF as shitty a place to live as Bluff.

Featured South Invercargill Suburbs

Ah Clifton, "A higher Place" in more ways than one, apart from the obvious pot smoking, its also geographically more elevated than most of Invercargill.
Clifton can boast the Sewage treatment facilities, where poo of all colours ends up as a thick brown sludge in giant open tanks. Next to this, is a "wool scour", where dirty sheep wool goes to get cleaned. Both these facilities give off one hell of a smell, its been covered for a long time in The Southland Times paper about Clifton residents complaining. Word from the council, .

Kew is pretty much right beside Clifton, and gets to share the poo smell. If Windsor is heaven, then Kew is Hell, lots of old people, with nothing to do but wait for the morgue, conveniently the hospital is metres away.

Appleby is known for gang hideouts and the Appleby Tavern, people walk in and are wheeled out in a bag.

Heidelberg is on the edge of Invercargill, lots of rural folk who have not yet been civilised live on the outskirts. Strange and scary people who have no option but to go to Aurora College, original School of Hard Knocks. Aurora gets low student passing rates, when the NCEA results are released in the newspaper, the principal will comment that the school is working hard and has leapt ahead of last years results. Despite the principals comments, Aurora students always seem to fail more than the national average, especially noticable in the last year of school, where it seems 1 person in 10 will actually pass the course. Aurora students go on to live in Glengarry.

Many worldly scholars argue about the details, is Windsor really that stuck up, is Glengarry really that terrifying, and even the dividing line between North and South is not always agreed upon. Some say Tweed Street splits the city, others the railway. The correct answer is of course Tay Street, EVERYONE should know that its Tay street, Tay is Shakespearian english for "De militarized zone", a no mans land between the two warring factions. Anyone who says otherwise was not born in Invercargill and is full of shit.

To sum up some differences,

Cars are another big difference, not many really nice cars in South Invercargill, its mostly those trah-bant cars from East Germany, they have two stroke engines with a total displacement thats 60% of a litre, 600cc. These classy old girls take a majestic 20 seconds to get to 100 kilometres per hour, top speed is about 112, thats enough for overtaking. Sure they put out a hell of a lot of smoke, thats why Appleby way is covered with smog, but they only use 7 litres per 100 kilometres which is pretty good. None have original tyres, most are those space saver tyres that are meant to get you to a tyre shop to buy proper tyres, but here they just stay on.

South Invercargill's a bit like the Cuba of the Southern Hemisphere, lots of 50 year old cars everywhere you look.

Sometimes I think my dream Lamborghini's just a bit unrealistic. Then I tell myself I'm worth it, and that my loyal listeners will pull through with that four hundred K.

Being serious for moment, I've never seen that many exotic cars down south. In North Invercargill I've seen both modern and classic Porsches, Ferraris and Lamborghinis. Never any past tweed street, except for a Ferrari 430 coming back up the Bluff Highway, maybe they were doing some kind of photoshoot for a car magazine in Bluff, a Ferrari with all the oyster boats maybe? My rich friend up north, he drives an BMW M3, and his flatmate a Mercedes. Apparently thats the norm around Waikiwi.

Southland Girls High school has an announcement sign outside,the letters get moved around all the time, its amazing what people come up with.
Slogans on the sign say
"Southland Girls High School at the top, and A Southland Girls High School girl today, a woman of the future tomorrow ". In between it has the announcements.

Two photos on my South Invercargill page show it saying " and another time
Makes it sound like all these girls are growing up to be hookers. Thank the labour government for making prostitution legal, on my block there used to be TWO whore houses that I knew about, one was advertised all the time, the other was behind my house, my friends saw it late one night with all kinds of lights in the window, and they say there was a guy peeping through a window. At the moment im pissed off that creepy old men are ringing my home phone every night, The Southland Times screwed up printing an ad for hookers, one of these escort agencies has a number pretty much identical to my number, we often get calls from old perverts too horny to dial the correct number, but this time the paper actually put MY phone number in the paper instead of the brothels. So gross, and the creeps get embarrassed. One tonight rang back 10 minutes later after I explained what had happened.

Heres some comments from the bebo group.

I put a link up to a so called "gang fight" up on the group page, I found it searching on Youtube for Invercargill. Dammit, it seems to have been taken off YouTube, I still have a saved copy on my computer anyway, I save videos from YouTube. You copy the address of that video that you want, and go to and put it in there, it gives you the download link in either .flv or .mp4 files. .MP4 is much better, easier to use, you can put it straight on your iPod and it will play.

I've been told about what happened, it was a fight between a bunch of people, it was much longer than whats in the clip and there were weapons. Only a few people fighting were mongrel mob gang members wearing gang clothes. It was all outside Jay Jays on esk street, there were people sitting about watching. The police step in and whack the people fighting, the video doesnt really show the police locking them up, it shows footage of a mongrel mob guy getting taken away in handcuffs and a shot outside the Invercargill court house.

The clip of the gang fighting is so funny, listen to the american announcers voice.

Awesome, hard to believe a video from Esk Street Invercargill ended up on an american police show.

I asked for a South Invercargill theme song, this is whats been done on so far.

Desmond came up with part of a South Invercargill theme song, imagine it with some fly gangster beats.

South Invercargill, looking for a riot,
watch out or you'll get beaten by a pimp just like J Wyatt,
I see Michael Jackson telling kids to be quiet,
too many fish and chip shops, go on a diet.

After smoking some Tweed Street, I've come up with another verse.

Try before you buy it,
clothes from the salvation army,
dressed for a demolition derby,
cant afford a P S P so I'm
rocking out with my gameboy,
kicking it with kirby,

fuck white and nerdy, when a computer can flow like this its dirty.
while northern ladies can be purty,
those clifton bitches sure are flirty,
I hope their pimp doesn't hurt me,
sex so unclean, afterwards it'll turn green G,
think next time before it burns when you pee

That was my little attempt at being a rap producer. Since you liked that so much, heres some real "nerdcore" rap, hip hop using an artificial voice. The artist is "MC Hawking", what Stephen Hawking would sound like if he rapped.

Guess the sample

That song samples The Jackson 5, ABC.

See, I'm not the only one who says "wick-a-ped-ia" instead of "wicky-pedya"

and finally a full M C Hawking song, GTA3, listen to the sounds.

Enough song clips?

Some comments from,

Ha, it said " iffin street" instead of Ythan street.

Not all comments are positive, I've had a few haters send stuff in, one of the ones I kept and put up on the page was from this fat lady who calls herself Trinity, she was all pissed off about something. I have absolutely no idea where she got all her rant from, she seemed to think I was some short rich North Invercargill kid who was making fun of South Invercargill. So she had to defend South Invers by talking about South City mall being a happening place, and about the floods that happened like 25 years ago?


I had a poll asking people what could be done to make South Invercargill a better place to live, here are the results.

I saw in The Southland Times about racism being out of control here, I looked into what Tim Shadbolt, Invercargill Mayor had to say. The story was about Indian S.I.T students not feeling safe in Invercargill, being picked on for looking different, like wearing a turban.

Even the Mayor doesnt feel safe here. I reckon we need to officially split Invercargill in half, and have two mayors. Some liberal idiot running the north bit, make all the old ladies in Windsor happy, and I'd get control of South Invercargill. My first act would be to hire some Germans to build a wall down Tay Street, maybe it could be in the centre plot, with two lanes for the south and two lanes for the north, impenetrable wall in between.

I'd get the bums off the benefit, zero unemployment, as I'd need lots of guards to patrol our side of the wall and keep Richie Rich out. Then there'd be the re-education camps, where people would be indoctrinated about how to live like a real Southern Man. My friend Allison teaches little kids, so I've signed her up to be headmaster of the camps, shes already used to teaching at a 5 year olds level.

I dont ask for much in compensation, I'd already own an entire half of a city, with 25 thousand people in my command. Just as long as I'm revered as "Dear Leader", I'd gladly accept $1 a year like Steve Jobs, with bonuses such as the Lamborghini and a $50 million US dollar Gulfstream G5 private jet, fuel costs for both being met by southern ratepayers. I reckon that would pretty much take up all our GDP, but dont worry as the UN will bring in emergency supplies as the famine strikes. So all health care will be diverted from African nations to Appleby, rations will be handed out daily from UN security forces, and every second day you'll even get to use your car, assuming you havnt pawned it off for luxury goods like toilet paper and bread.

My North Korean and Chinese forefathers realized how intellectuals are the scum of the earth, so we'd have to make sure we locked up everyone with glasses,and all books would be gathered up, being burnt for warmth. When the fire's started to die down, we'd throw on high school graduates.

Maybe North Invercargill rich people will pay a dollar a day to sponsor starving kids on Teviot street?

Yes, I've got everything worked out, the dirty unwashed hordes will gladly kneel before me as I drive past the UN food handouts in "our" Lambo. At the end of this episode, you'll hear the national anthem of The Peoples Republic of South Invercargill, to be chanted every day when the bell atop St Marys basillica rings, its about respecting Dear Leader and why he deserves all the women.

Hey, not everyones going to be thrilled by my plans to skim 99% of the money to spend on myself, I know that, but would you rather have Tim Shadbolt with his Purple Circle Bus's and that old Lada, or a Malevolent dictator, me, with my Lamborghini, paid for through your blood and sweat, fueled by your tears? You made the right decision, comrade.

Make sure you check out my bebo group, Its got about 800 members, if I can get 1000 members, then thats 1 in 25 people from South Invercargill in my group! Thats assuming theres 50 thousand in Invers total, splitting that north and south for 25 thousand each.

Thank you for listening, I'd love to hear your comments, if I get enough replies, especially recorded comments I can use, then I might put those replies up in future episodes.

If you want to contact me, even just to say you listened, send an email to, j a y w o n t d a r t @, I'd appreciate it.

Have a super happy day, bye.

End song You Can't Say No To A Soldier plays

Written for: Iceland (1942)
Lyric: Mack Gordon
Music: Harry Warren
Year: 1942
Original publisher: Twentieth Century Music Corporation, rights controlled by
Mayfair Music Corp

Listen, little lady, it's the order of the day,
Issued by the highest of authority;
Fellows in the service simply can't be turned away,
You know that defense must get priority.
So, if you're patriotic'lly inclined,
Heed the call to arms, and keep this thought in mind:

Chorus 1:

You can't say, "No," to a soldier,
A sailor or a handsome marine;
No, you can't say, "No," if he wants to dance,
If he's gonna fight, he's got a right to romance;
So, get out your lipstick and powder,
Be beautiful and dutiful, too.
If he's not your type, then it's still o-kay,
You can always kiss him in a sisterly way,

Oh, you can't say, "No,
No, you gotta give in,
If you want him to win for you.

Chorus 2 (from movie)

You can't say, "No," to a soldier,
A sailor or a handsome marine;
No, you can't say, "No," if he wants to dance,

If he's gonna fight, he's got a right to romance;
So, get out your lipstick and powder,
Be beautiful and dutiful, too.
If he says it's cold on those submarines,
You can knit a sweater, but that's not what he means;
Oh, you can't say, "No,"
No, no, no, no, no, no;
No, they're not made of tin,
So, you better give in

If you want him to win for you.

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